I'd like to get some seeds into the ground, but I am exhausted right now. Guess what I did? I got up and did a few morning routine things, showered, emptied the dishwasher, folded some clothes. Then I went out for an early lunch with a friend. After lunch, I drove to town and took my son to the grocery store, took him back to his place, and then came home and put my groceries away. And then I walked the dog.
Now I am bushed. Lupus makes me feel so stupid. I mean seriously, who could be bushed from that?
I guess this is my complain-y blog. I try to keep the whining off my other blog these days.
It is beautiful, warm sunshiney day, probably 75 degrees. I want to be out enjoying it! The colors outside my windows are vibrant. I want to plant my flowers. I want to relish the first of May!
My neck went out sometime earlier this week. I'm not sure when or why. A cold breeze? Sleeping in a different position because Shawn is out of town? Last night I plastered myself up with a host of Salonpas patches. They are surprisingly helpful. Today I took ibuprofen; that helps too. But the key word is: helps. There are things that help, but there doesn't seem to be anything that cures.
After the grocery store, my grocery bags spilled all over in the back of the van. This made me irrationally angry, I suppose because I had to climb into the back of the van and crawl around, reaching for all the things that had rolled hither and yon, and when you have lupus and your neck is out, this is quite painful. Pain makes me very edgy, and in this instance it made me mad.
I was mad because the back seats in the van were folded down and the two bucket seats were installed in the van, and I did not know why. Folding down the back seats creates a wide, flat area in which things slide and roll profusely. Usually we keep one of the bucket seats out of the van, so the dog crate has a spot to sit in. And then we put the back seats up so there is a low space behind them, a couple of hole-like spaces, into which one can place grocery bags without fear that they will later ricochet around the interior of the vehicle. This is how I like the van, and for whatever reason, this is not how the van was today, and being in pain and suffering the consequences of the different arrangement, I got mad.
Nobody configured the van this way in order to hurt me. I can't remember what we did last weekend; it's quite possible that we needed to move something that required this configuration. Just because I had a little pain, it doesn't mean that anybody is out to get me. I know this is true, but sometimes it helps to codify it, to remind myself, because there is something visceral about pain that makes the subconscious human psyche feel persecuted.
Getting mad also makes you tired, drains your energy. I have learned at least this much: I should avoid getting angry as much as possible, because being angry makes me tired, increases my pain, and generally wears me out right along with whatever it was that was wearing me out in the first place and inciting me to anger. It's a wicked vicious cycle. Historically, I have been very bad about identifying my pain and using strategies to cope with it. Historically, I have denied my pain until I turned into an angry, screaming lunatic or a desperate, weeping fool. This needs to change, and I am learning to change it.
So I am using this blog to vent a little, to analyze my feelings and to comfort myself. I will calmly and rationally explain my situation with the van to my husband when he gets home from LA. I will ask him if he would please help me get the configuration of the van back to the way it was. He is a kind and reasonable man, and I have no cause to think that he will treat my request with disrespect, as long as I don't do something stupid, like blame and accuse him for something that is not his fault.
It is over now, and it will be okay in the end.
Resting while writing has calmed me. It was a profitable endeavor.
Perhaps I will even plant some seeds now. I was also hoping to do some baking with rhubarb, but that might just have to wait, and that's okay, too.
I am going to have a happy May Day. It is May first, and it is glorious.
Lupus can knock me around a little, but I am learning how to prevent it from getting the better of me.
