Lupus bills and lupus stress

Medical bills stress me out.

I cannot even.

Why?

I am trying to pay a bill today, and I'm having an anxiety attack.  It's not even that large a bill.  It isn't about the money, even.  It is about the paperwork.

We have a certain allowance from Shawn's company, in an HSA, and we can submit receipts from our bills (after we have paid them) to the HSA, for reimbursement, until this money is used up.

I don't know any of the passwords to the HSA.  I don't even know where the website is.  I don't know how to do it.

Also, it's October.  Back at the beginning of the year, we submitted some bills to the HSA for reimbursement.  Shawn helped me, because he knows how to log on and submit things.  At some point, I paid some bills and did not submit them to the HSA right away.  Now, I have a pile of jumbled nonsense on my desk.

Oh, why is this so stressful?

I have to pay another bill, and I am beside myself.  I shake and sweat.  My heart palpitates.  I swallow hard, trying to squelch my gag reflex as nausea rises in my throat.  In my head, I'm fine.  "We can afford this," I tell myself, truthfully.  My body doesn't care and won't cooperate.

On a brighter note, I haven't been to the doctor much this year.  When I do go, I lie.  I say, "I feel fine.  I feel great."  Although this is not strictly true, I have noticed in the aftermath that--generally speaking--when I don't tell them about any problems, I don't have to go back as often, and I don't have to undergo expensive labs and tests.  This has actually greatly diminished a lot of stress.

If I could just not go to the doctor at all, maybe I could do away with my stress altogether, and get healed.